ahhh me loves the gravity song!
I think it's the nice bass line! >< shioook
Got a little blister now though hope it dries up soon!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Having a Big Think
Is it all right if I stay like this? Who I really am? Afraid to speak. Would rather be quiet. Sit and watch and listen. Is it all right to laze around at home? Is it all right if I tell people exactly what I think? Or if I don't want to, can I say nothing at all because I would rather not?
Or can I bare my soul to everybody, remove the tough covering outside. So that everyone can see? The bad, the good, everything. Can I come back from the bad places that I've been to? Will people still accept me then? Will anyone believe me? Or will people hate me? They used to say that I'm a stone. Hard on the inside, hard on the outside. The rest are snails and chocolate. But right now, I think my outside is hard, and my inside is hollow. So that if you tap me lightly with a hammer, I'll shatter like glass. I feel like an empty vessel.
I feel this fragile. I feel that there is so much that I need to hide. Is it all right? If I show you? How hollow I am? What would one think? Surely no one would connect with a ghost? Can I not put up false pretences? Can I not structure and control a me that is so carefully manipulated. This mask. So that people won't see me. And won't hate me. Is it all right? Would you still believe in me if I was a different person? Will you still choose to trust me? Would you want to?
It's very lonely. Lying. Isn't it? Putting on this hard covering. If there's a horrible day, there'll be an amazing day. That's life isn't it? With this hard covering, everything is normal. Everything glides by normally. Like a seagull soaring on a strong gust of wind. Everything is monotonous. Everything is boring. With this mask. Who's the person I wear everyday? This cowardly persona? Why do I feel like that? It doesn't feel like me. Why the fear? Before the fear set in, I wasn't like that. Maybe a lot of people are like that. When they were younger, when they were little children running around, without a care in the world. Without knowledge, and yes, blissfully ignorant, with a lack of fear......
Maybe the point is that there is no one who can be completely unafraid. There is no one on earth who has never felt afraid in his life. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of dying. There's definitely no way that you can tell yourself to be unafraid. Only a baby who doesn't have any knowledge of the world can do that. But even then! It might not be true. Babies are afraid when their parents leave them alone. Babies need to be loved and cared for. Fed. If they're left alone, they cry. If something scares them, they cry. If someone shouts at them, they cry. Maybe it's inbred into humans to be afraid. This sense of fear must be a human trait. Do you think God gave us fear? Oh. Wait no. That was the fault of Adam and Eve when they plucked fruits from the tree of wisdom. But why would wisdom lead to fear? Does God fear? God is wise isn't he? But God has nothing to be afraid of. He is ultimate, supreme isn't he.
I still don't understand though. I'm trying to get it straight.
When Jesus was crucified, was God angry or was God sad. Because I have heard two preachings.
God was so angry with sinful man, that he crucified his son. And on the other hand, God was sad because he had to crucify his son to save man. Which is it? I tend to think that the second does not have biblical basis. Since it was mentioned in the bible that the cup of wine that Jesus passed around, and shared with his disciples. That cup of wine, is the cup of wrath. Hence. Ok, that proves the point. I'll see if anyone can come up with a counter-argument to this point. It's the only way to find out the truth isn't it? I don't want to just blindly believe without knowing what I'm believing in. Like when you make a close friend, you believe in her, because you know what she's like. So even if people say bad things about her, you'd know whether they're right, because you know the truth about her.
Knowing the truth.
Fearing God the bible says.
Fearing God is the key to all wisdom.
Fear again.
Fearing God. Is the key to all wisdom.
Fear. I'm sure if I caught a glimpse of God's glory, I'd definitely feel fear and I'd be afraid. More than that I think, since it's something that the human mind can't grasp. Something this unearthly and supernatural. Fear. Could it mean humbleness? Or could it be like how an innocent babe feels? Fear? When he cries? I fear my parent? No. That doesn't really make sense to me. God is supposed to be like a father figure right? The disciplinarian, the highest authority, the judge of all good and evil, and yet over all, he reigns with love. So. If you fear God, what is it that you fear?
When she cried, my first impulse was to hug her, but instead, I settled for gently patting her shoulder. I wasted a year, controlling myself, not confessing. But for what? In the end, nothing changed anyway. You can't change anything. I've lived almost 19 years now. But with so few life experiences (since every day is the same), I'm guessing that I'm about 14. Even with my mother's death. Some people lose their parents before they were even born. So that's not counted. Some people don't even have parents at all. Strange, that a person who has (supposedly) been loved so much and been well taken care of (definitely). Why can't I love somebody? I don't know how to. Because it has always been the other way around. People love me, then I love them. How do you love someone before they love you back? Or even, if they don't love you back.
I still remember. What my mother said. When she was so sick. It was in her last stage of cancer. She couldn't stand and walk around much. I was bringing her something in her room. And she said,"Why can't you be more like Laurel?"
I think that was the phrase that hurt the most.
But then, I understand what she means. Because I didn't know how to care. Didn't know how to love. Was it a lack of maturity at the time? I don't think so. I remember loving many things when I was small. Then it must be that my soul was suffering and wasn't functioning well. Hence I couldn't love. Either that, or I'm just plain evil. Could I be? Somehow I find the idea of myself being plain evil and pretending to be good, quite a feasible hypothesis.
I feel a little foolise for rambling on. But then, I think it's good because so strangely enough, I don't feel like anyone I know can handle what I'm talking about. I'd love it if there was someone that I could talk to about this. But so far, I haven't met anyone who thinks the same way as me. Hopefully one day I'll meet him or her. God please, someone who'll understand me. Almost, I selfishly ask, the same way you do. Thank you. I have to believe it right? Ok. I've closed my eyes and folded my hands in prayer. I feel a little hope, imagining that this might come true. But is this believing? Nay. I guess not. How do I believe in you? If you're not so evident in my life? Ok I guess that's my fault. Because I don't read the bible. I should definitely go read after this. Call myself a Christian anyway. Rubbish.
I've never loved someone in my entire life.
Except for my brothers. Especially Wen.
I wonder if I can only love a few people. It's as if, love is portioned out to each person as they are born on earth. And they can only give out that much of love to that many people that they choose. So if you give your love to more people, the love you give to each is limited. But if you give your love to a few, you can be more generous? There is only one person who can give love to everyone on earth, and love enough to fill the sea and skies. That's Jesus Christ. Son of God. Who is also God himself in a way. I think we'll never understand that trinity in one thing. So only he has unlimited, agape love. The rest of us humans, we can die trying to measure up to that standard and feel depressed and miserable, but the fact is that we'll never ever have that sort of pure, unlimited, agape love. Ours is human love, which we measure out. Selfishly. In meagre portions. Tiny and minute. Maybe that's why it's not REALLY love. Love like that. Is it worth calling love?
When 1st Corinthians talked about love, they talked of God's love. Agape. Love. As in really love.
Do humans have love? Something that is but not really. It's not love isn't it? There's always some hint of hidden agenda here and there. Even for Mother Theresa? I don't know. She's human too. Though I could 99.9% easily believe that she's pure hearted. Because of her image. And the fact that she has seemed to help so many people. And that she's dedicated her life to it. Her time on earth. So is that love? No wonder the Catholics call them saints. People like that do seem like saints. But I don't believe in putting up humans on a pedestal. It's dangerous. Especially since it's easier to believe in something on earth, than to believe in God, who's supernatural and not in this realm. I want to be able to really believe in God. I want to be able to believe in him the most. I wonder what kind of life that would be like. But then again, it's not about ability is it? I seem to be thinking an awful lot today. I don't know. Why is my head so empty usually? And how come only when I type here, everything seems to come out smoothly? It's like my fingers are doing the typing. How strange. Maybe I'm over-reliant on this. But still. Now I think it's pretty obvious why I don't tell people about this stuff. I just enjoy debating about it with myself. I don't like other people's opinions. I want to think that mine are the best. I want to feel that I'm special, because I think this way? No, actually for the latter, not really. But I do agree that I don't like other people's opinions. Most of the time. Unless I ask for it. The problem of a person (from my selfish point of view), is that every person has his/her own point of view. So that means, that, no one has the same point of view. And that makes it exceedingly difficult to share matters of the heart, because likely, either the two persons would clash in ideas and quarrel, or otherwise, one person would compromise with the other person just to avoid conflict. I don't believe that there's such a thing as being open minded to many ideas. If you're open minded, then you're probably just not very sure of what you stand for. How can you be 'open minded' if you disagree with what someone else says. People tell you 'be open minded'. But the fact remains that you just don't agree and nothing will change that. Unless your opinion really is wrong and twisted. Instead of being open minded (open minded means that one is 'Free of prejudice; receptive to new ideas and arguments'), there is TOLERANCE. Yep. Gritting your teeth and saying. Ok. Endure this. Let's just go along with him for now. I am being open minded. -.- Right. The word is already fundamentally wrong because there is no one with no prejudice. And receptive to new ideas and arguments? Well. Hmm. Yeah. Maybe that's possible if you have no ideas yourself. Then you can go ahead and be open minded. Really open mind. Empty. Kong kong.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Kimoooochiiiii.
I feel good.
It's amazing what things are stored up inside our heads when we switch off our brains.
Subconsciously.
I think all that has been stored there.
Ouch.
My shoulder hurts like maaaaaad....
Or can I bare my soul to everybody, remove the tough covering outside. So that everyone can see? The bad, the good, everything. Can I come back from the bad places that I've been to? Will people still accept me then? Will anyone believe me? Or will people hate me? They used to say that I'm a stone. Hard on the inside, hard on the outside. The rest are snails and chocolate. But right now, I think my outside is hard, and my inside is hollow. So that if you tap me lightly with a hammer, I'll shatter like glass. I feel like an empty vessel.
I feel this fragile. I feel that there is so much that I need to hide. Is it all right? If I show you? How hollow I am? What would one think? Surely no one would connect with a ghost? Can I not put up false pretences? Can I not structure and control a me that is so carefully manipulated. This mask. So that people won't see me. And won't hate me. Is it all right? Would you still believe in me if I was a different person? Will you still choose to trust me? Would you want to?
It's very lonely. Lying. Isn't it? Putting on this hard covering. If there's a horrible day, there'll be an amazing day. That's life isn't it? With this hard covering, everything is normal. Everything glides by normally. Like a seagull soaring on a strong gust of wind. Everything is monotonous. Everything is boring. With this mask. Who's the person I wear everyday? This cowardly persona? Why do I feel like that? It doesn't feel like me. Why the fear? Before the fear set in, I wasn't like that. Maybe a lot of people are like that. When they were younger, when they were little children running around, without a care in the world. Without knowledge, and yes, blissfully ignorant, with a lack of fear......
Maybe the point is that there is no one who can be completely unafraid. There is no one on earth who has never felt afraid in his life. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of dying. There's definitely no way that you can tell yourself to be unafraid. Only a baby who doesn't have any knowledge of the world can do that. But even then! It might not be true. Babies are afraid when their parents leave them alone. Babies need to be loved and cared for. Fed. If they're left alone, they cry. If something scares them, they cry. If someone shouts at them, they cry. Maybe it's inbred into humans to be afraid. This sense of fear must be a human trait. Do you think God gave us fear? Oh. Wait no. That was the fault of Adam and Eve when they plucked fruits from the tree of wisdom. But why would wisdom lead to fear? Does God fear? God is wise isn't he? But God has nothing to be afraid of. He is ultimate, supreme isn't he.
I still don't understand though. I'm trying to get it straight.
When Jesus was crucified, was God angry or was God sad. Because I have heard two preachings.
God was so angry with sinful man, that he crucified his son. And on the other hand, God was sad because he had to crucify his son to save man. Which is it? I tend to think that the second does not have biblical basis. Since it was mentioned in the bible that the cup of wine that Jesus passed around, and shared with his disciples. That cup of wine, is the cup of wrath. Hence. Ok, that proves the point. I'll see if anyone can come up with a counter-argument to this point. It's the only way to find out the truth isn't it? I don't want to just blindly believe without knowing what I'm believing in. Like when you make a close friend, you believe in her, because you know what she's like. So even if people say bad things about her, you'd know whether they're right, because you know the truth about her.
Knowing the truth.
Fearing God the bible says.
Fearing God is the key to all wisdom.
Fear again.
Fearing God. Is the key to all wisdom.
Fear. I'm sure if I caught a glimpse of God's glory, I'd definitely feel fear and I'd be afraid. More than that I think, since it's something that the human mind can't grasp. Something this unearthly and supernatural. Fear. Could it mean humbleness? Or could it be like how an innocent babe feels? Fear? When he cries? I fear my parent? No. That doesn't really make sense to me. God is supposed to be like a father figure right? The disciplinarian, the highest authority, the judge of all good and evil, and yet over all, he reigns with love. So. If you fear God, what is it that you fear?
When she cried, my first impulse was to hug her, but instead, I settled for gently patting her shoulder. I wasted a year, controlling myself, not confessing. But for what? In the end, nothing changed anyway. You can't change anything. I've lived almost 19 years now. But with so few life experiences (since every day is the same), I'm guessing that I'm about 14. Even with my mother's death. Some people lose their parents before they were even born. So that's not counted. Some people don't even have parents at all. Strange, that a person who has (supposedly) been loved so much and been well taken care of (definitely). Why can't I love somebody? I don't know how to. Because it has always been the other way around. People love me, then I love them. How do you love someone before they love you back? Or even, if they don't love you back.
I still remember. What my mother said. When she was so sick. It was in her last stage of cancer. She couldn't stand and walk around much. I was bringing her something in her room. And she said,"Why can't you be more like Laurel?"
I think that was the phrase that hurt the most.
But then, I understand what she means. Because I didn't know how to care. Didn't know how to love. Was it a lack of maturity at the time? I don't think so. I remember loving many things when I was small. Then it must be that my soul was suffering and wasn't functioning well. Hence I couldn't love. Either that, or I'm just plain evil. Could I be? Somehow I find the idea of myself being plain evil and pretending to be good, quite a feasible hypothesis.
I feel a little foolise for rambling on. But then, I think it's good because so strangely enough, I don't feel like anyone I know can handle what I'm talking about. I'd love it if there was someone that I could talk to about this. But so far, I haven't met anyone who thinks the same way as me. Hopefully one day I'll meet him or her. God please, someone who'll understand me. Almost, I selfishly ask, the same way you do. Thank you. I have to believe it right? Ok. I've closed my eyes and folded my hands in prayer. I feel a little hope, imagining that this might come true. But is this believing? Nay. I guess not. How do I believe in you? If you're not so evident in my life? Ok I guess that's my fault. Because I don't read the bible. I should definitely go read after this. Call myself a Christian anyway. Rubbish.
I've never loved someone in my entire life.
Except for my brothers. Especially Wen.
I wonder if I can only love a few people. It's as if, love is portioned out to each person as they are born on earth. And they can only give out that much of love to that many people that they choose. So if you give your love to more people, the love you give to each is limited. But if you give your love to a few, you can be more generous? There is only one person who can give love to everyone on earth, and love enough to fill the sea and skies. That's Jesus Christ. Son of God. Who is also God himself in a way. I think we'll never understand that trinity in one thing. So only he has unlimited, agape love. The rest of us humans, we can die trying to measure up to that standard and feel depressed and miserable, but the fact is that we'll never ever have that sort of pure, unlimited, agape love. Ours is human love, which we measure out. Selfishly. In meagre portions. Tiny and minute. Maybe that's why it's not REALLY love. Love like that. Is it worth calling love?
When 1st Corinthians talked about love, they talked of God's love. Agape. Love. As in really love.
Do humans have love? Something that is but not really. It's not love isn't it? There's always some hint of hidden agenda here and there. Even for Mother Theresa? I don't know. She's human too. Though I could 99.9% easily believe that she's pure hearted. Because of her image. And the fact that she has seemed to help so many people. And that she's dedicated her life to it. Her time on earth. So is that love? No wonder the Catholics call them saints. People like that do seem like saints. But I don't believe in putting up humans on a pedestal. It's dangerous. Especially since it's easier to believe in something on earth, than to believe in God, who's supernatural and not in this realm. I want to be able to really believe in God. I want to be able to believe in him the most. I wonder what kind of life that would be like. But then again, it's not about ability is it? I seem to be thinking an awful lot today. I don't know. Why is my head so empty usually? And how come only when I type here, everything seems to come out smoothly? It's like my fingers are doing the typing. How strange. Maybe I'm over-reliant on this. But still. Now I think it's pretty obvious why I don't tell people about this stuff. I just enjoy debating about it with myself. I don't like other people's opinions. I want to think that mine are the best. I want to feel that I'm special, because I think this way? No, actually for the latter, not really. But I do agree that I don't like other people's opinions. Most of the time. Unless I ask for it. The problem of a person (from my selfish point of view), is that every person has his/her own point of view. So that means, that, no one has the same point of view. And that makes it exceedingly difficult to share matters of the heart, because likely, either the two persons would clash in ideas and quarrel, or otherwise, one person would compromise with the other person just to avoid conflict. I don't believe that there's such a thing as being open minded to many ideas. If you're open minded, then you're probably just not very sure of what you stand for. How can you be 'open minded' if you disagree with what someone else says. People tell you 'be open minded'. But the fact remains that you just don't agree and nothing will change that. Unless your opinion really is wrong and twisted. Instead of being open minded (open minded means that one is 'Free of prejudice; receptive to new ideas and arguments'), there is TOLERANCE. Yep. Gritting your teeth and saying. Ok. Endure this. Let's just go along with him for now. I am being open minded. -.- Right. The word is already fundamentally wrong because there is no one with no prejudice. And receptive to new ideas and arguments? Well. Hmm. Yeah. Maybe that's possible if you have no ideas yourself. Then you can go ahead and be open minded. Really open mind. Empty. Kong kong.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Kimoooochiiiii.
I feel good.
It's amazing what things are stored up inside our heads when we switch off our brains.
Subconsciously.
I think all that has been stored there.
Ouch.
My shoulder hurts like maaaaaad....
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Milk and Water
[short intro]
Going through the motions
You're in a daze
Rolling, Spinning
Trudging along wordlessly,
Leaving no footprints in the sand
Chorus:
Sorry I think I'm unavailable
I'm not around now
in this head of mine
Sorry if I seem standoffish
I'd love to love you and everybody else on the planet
but I'm stuck in this head of mine
Ask someone else to be blissfully unhappy with you
I'm not available now
Ask someone else to play the game for 2,4,6,8,10
I don't mind really
No, really I don't mind
Because I'm not around
Not in this head of mine
[bridge]
You're a blank paper waiting to be written,
Coloured up, and folded, and given away
White surface sparklingly clean in its shiny wrapping
I'm a piece of dirty newspaper on its way for recycling
Unaware of its trip to the machines
which break, boil and bake
Sorry for being unavailable
I think I'll be vanilla flavoured today
my soul must be away on holiday
Going through the motions
You caught me in a daze
Rolling, Spinning
Trudging along wordlessly,
Leaving no footprints in the sand
[fade out]
(If I speak in the tongues of men and angels
but have not love
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal
If I have a faith that can move mountains
but have not love
I am nothing)
Include this somewhere in the song.
Where?
[short intro]
Going through the motions
You're in a daze
Rolling, Spinning
Trudging along wordlessly,
Leaving no footprints in the sand
Chorus:
Sorry I think I'm unavailable
I'm not around now
in this head of mine
Sorry if I seem standoffish
I'd love to love you and everybody else on the planet
but I'm stuck in this head of mine
Ask someone else to be blissfully unhappy with you
I'm not available now
Ask someone else to play the game for 2,4,6,8,10
I don't mind really
No, really I don't mind
Because I'm not around
Not in this head of mine
[bridge]
You're a blank paper waiting to be written,
Coloured up, and folded, and given away
White surface sparklingly clean in its shiny wrapping
I'm a piece of dirty newspaper on its way for recycling
Unaware of its trip to the machines
which break, boil and bake
Sorry for being unavailable
I think I'll be vanilla flavoured today
my soul must be away on holiday
Going through the motions
You caught me in a daze
Rolling, Spinning
Trudging along wordlessly,
Leaving no footprints in the sand
[fade out]
(If I speak in the tongues of men and angels
but have not love
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal
If I have a faith that can move mountains
but have not love
I am nothing)
Include this somewhere in the song.
Where?
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